Woolly Crew Profiles

by Esty Spears, March 2007

The Woolacombe Boardriders – famous for their unbridled hatred of canoeists the world over.

There’s not much to do in Woolacombe in the winter, so when news came through that the local Londis had won the ‘shop of the year award’ everyone came out to celebrate!

1. On the left: The man in black, who walks the line; James Smith,

2. Behind Smithy: Mark Ed Dwards, goofy foot with a cutback as long as his two-stage sideburns.

3. By Smithy’s side, Lorna, his carer.

4. Besides Dwards, Kevin Cooke, teacher and local legend, BSA (British Shitwankfuck Assoc.) coaching committee stalwart.

5. Kneeling; Rudi Lancaster, who had his both legs amputated below the knees in an expensive operation so that he could ‘stand’ on a kneeboard.

6. In front of Cookie: Mark Rendells bald patch, MR was born in the village and has several generations buried in the graveyard so he is a bit slow and is not allowed anything sharp.

7. Liam (Mark’s boy) buried at the bottom of the pile, and at the age of seven is already brighter and wittier (not hard, Ed.*) than most of the surfers pictured.

8. Jason leant over in a fatherly protection pose is a collector of old surfboards and a coastguard.

9. Being shielded is Jason’s boy, Owen, with the Locals Only tee shirt on and he hates goat boaters already.

10. Diving on small children is troublemaking Paul Barrington, famous for his ‘Blind Date’ and still trying to shag everything in sight (he can actually surf when he gets time off work).

11. Behind Barracat! Whoaaa! (What again! – Ed.) Steve PP, cartoonist, longboarder, fisherman, pink ukulele player and philosopher.

12. Ed Webber, known to his friends (and enemies - of which there are many) as {shouting} Webber! and is the fifth best surfer in Woolacombe on a good day and, can’t drink cider properly (he paid me to say fifth and he needs a straw).

13. With Webber’s legs around his neck and seated (say no more, nudge nudge), Pete Starbuck, who is much too nice to be a Woolly boy (probably a girl then).

14. Pushing Webber from the right (always the best way to push Webber) is Sharky, low tide charger and world authority on the women in CSI.  

15. Pushing Sharky from behind (not recommended unless an adult is present) is Tom Rossiter who was surprisingly awake – the lazy good for nothing surf coach.

16. Behind Tom is Rob Broxholme, who has a filthy fins-out top turn and I want him to have my babies.

17. Beneath Tom (at a disturbing height) is British Champion, BPSA legend and super grom; Stu Campbell, too young to spray his elders but still does and will suffer the consequences one day in the next aeon (also his feet are too big).

18. Another grom who, not so bizarrely brought a skateboard to the pub to carry his old man home on, is Charlie Furborough.

19. Behind Charlie is Josh Witts, another BPSA campaigner and grom on a mission (impossible) not to be tied to the grommet pole.

20. Behind them, Matt Stillo, in LOST brown (Freudian), has spotted the goms and can’t control himself.

21. Luckily Pete Merriless, fireman and pillar of our society has spotted Stillos evil intentions and thwarted his diabolical plan (whatever that might be – okay, stop being naïve - we all know what it probably will be, put who cares these days?).

22. In the green jacket (about to launch), is Saturn Bucky – as he is known at the European Space Agency – the second largest gas giant in the universe (Frazer Jepson is the first..) and (self proclaimed ) King of Grunta.

22A. Maintaining the pose is Mark Hickingbotham, who taught MR how to surf a twin fin, apparently.

23. In front of Bucky is Trevor ‘toes’ Lumley, nicknamed because he has six on each foot! (‘He reads’ them every month to predict the surf (the little pinky surf check) and is rarely wrong.)

24. Holding Trev up is the world famous Nick Thorn, European Iron Man and the most difficult child in the village.

25. Behind Nick is Dig, the man with a distressing adjective for a name and local surfshop owner.

26. To the right of Nick is the family Clifton, Neil, ex-Brit Team member and English Champion, the enigmatic and quintessential ‘underground’ (voted by Carve readers) surfer is often outclassed by the two women in his life – partner Pip and daughter,

27. Sat behind Peel and chillin as ever is master chef, Graham Brundle, taking it easy as he’s pregnant at the mo.

Missing In Action: Angus Ashford, Paul Kenton, J, ‘Worm’ Ashford, R. Painterman, Mark Ressell, Willie Watts, Jon Hux, Tim Jones, Si Jeffrey, Joe Brothers, Jamie and many others...........

© Ester Spears. Plagiarism is the sign of a lazy journalist and could cost you a fortune in damages.